It all started with a phone call. Eight years ago, my life was upended when my phone rang, and my sister told me, briefly and brokenly, that Mom wasn’t right. A few days later, I found myself walking through the doors of a mental health facility in South Carolina where I saw my mom in a state I’d never seen before, and I hope to never see again. A steady, faithful, devoted pastor’s wife of three decades, my mom had become undone by a million thoughts she couldn’t unravel and a million more expectations she was trying to live up to. All those burdens she’d held for others for years finally caught up with her, and she broke. And it broke me, too.
I know I’ve told this story before, but I can still put myself right there. I remember calling my wife that same afternoon to bring her up to speed on everything, and all I could bring myself to say was, “It’s bad. It’s really bad.” If this were Inside Out, that day would be a gigantic orb lodged and preserved for safekeeping in the recesses of my mind whenever I feel like having an emotional afternoon. If I think too long and too hard about that moment, I’ll start weeping again. That’s how real it is. But all those days, weeks, and months of uncertainty are where my book came from.
Finding God in the Darkness: Hopeful Reflections from the Pits of Depression, Despair, and Disappointment emerged because I was caught in the throes of suffering and questioning and second-hand depression, and I was eager for answers. For explanations. Why was this happening? To be honest, this is all of us when things go awry. When adversity strikes, there has to be a reason for it, or at least someone to blame, right? If we’re honest with ourselves, that’s what we’d like whenever things don’t pan out how we’d expect or worse, when things turn to ash right in front of us. We want a detailed diagram that puts everything into focus so the fog and frustration of suffering dissipates. But that’s rarely what we get.
In fact, what I’ve come to learn is that despite how much we think reasons and explanations and diagrams might help when we go through adverse seasons, the “help” such resources afford is not only thin, but also fleeting. They may assist in “moving on,” but they don’t really help us heal. For that, we need something else. Better than that, Someone else. Comfort and catharsis amid turmoil and affliction come on the heels of hearing the good word that tells us there is One in the fire with us. There is One who has not only felt but also feels, even now, every pang, every grief, every sorrow, every hurt that you suffer. He suffers with you and for you.
Here’s how I put it in the book:
The hope, then, for those in the abyss of despair, disappointment, and depression is not the panacea of explanations or reasons. There’s no matrix which makes it easier for us to cope with life’s disasters. Instead, there’s just a Person.
The radiant hope of the gospel is that God didn’t recuse himself from our messy situations. Nor did he stay at a safe distance and just shout instructions at us to help us get out of it. Instead, remarkably, thankfully, he stepped into our messy, ruined realm and submerged himself in our iniquity, grief, and sorrow. He carried all of that and put it all to rest in a borrowed tomb and left it there when he walked out of it three days after dying. Christ’s own embrace of God-forsakenness puts him in solidarity with all our God-forsaken days. Even there, he is there. Even then, he shows up.
In the end, that’s what Finding God in the Darkness is all about. Even when all other lights go out, there’s still a God to be found in the darkness. Actually, it’s better than that, because even in the darkness, he finds us. That’s the hope that carried me and my mom through those torturous days. And it’s the only hope I have to offer.
Come Find Me This Saturday!
📚 Montgomery Area Public Library Book Fair
📍 119 1st Street, Montgomery, PA 17752
🗓️ Saturday, August 22
🕙 10:00 a.m.—1:00 p.m.
If you’re in the area, I’d love to see you at the Montgomery Area Public Library’s Open Air Book Fair this weekend, where I’ll have copies of my book Finding God in the Darkness. Stop by for a signed copy or just to say hello. If you can’t make it, be sure to grab your copy from the 1517 Shop or Amazon.
Grace and peace to you.